Separation Anxiety - When It Hurts to Leave

I wrote the following article for publication in Little Bitz Magazine in Sept-Oct 2005.  www.littlebitz.com.au   For those parents who are looking for some individual help, I offer Individual Counselling for families. Separation Anxiety is pertinent this week as many parents are struggling to help their children re-start the preschool/daycare routine. Don't give up! There is help.

SEPARATION ANXIETY – WHEN IT HURTS TO LEAVE

 You take your child to daycare and every day it’s the same. Tears, screaming, clinging, running after you as you leave, “mummy, don’t leave me…..” – you get in your car and you’re a wreck. You feel like you’re the world’s most uncaring mother and that your child will grow up damaged. Driving home or to work, your emotions eat away in your gut. If you don’t phone later to see if your child has settled, you worry all day.

 If this strikes a chord for you, your child may have Separation Anxiety. And if your child is a pre-schooler, it’s also normal – but that doesn’t make it any easier for you.

 Fears are a normal part of life – they typically come and go as we develop ways to deal with them. From about 9 months of age, children fear strangers and separating from their main caregivers. Each child is different but you can be sure that it will happen for most children at some stage in their development.

 Leading Australian authorities on Childhood Anxiety say that there’s no such thing as an ‘abnormal fear’ (Rapee, Spence, Cobham and Wignall, 2000). Some fears are “simply more intense and more extensive than others” (p10).

 Ten percent of children will be anxious at sometime and Separation Anxiety is the most common (Wagner, 2002). If your child is under 5, it’s an expected part of their development. If however, your child is older and the fears seem to be persisting or even growing, it’s time to get some professional help.

 The actual fear is of harm to self or loved ones with separation. That is, the child may think that they, or their mum or dad, will be hurt or die when they are not around. Sometimes it develops in a previously non-anxious child (Wagner, 2002).

 The typical scenario is unexplainable, extreme distress over separation from loved ones. The child is unwilling to leave home, attend school, stay with grandparents or go on outings. They frequently seek reassurance about the safety of self or loved ones, ‘shadow’ their parents, are reluctant to be alone, especially at night. They may experience nightmares about harm and danger, and cry, cling, vomit, complain of feeling sick or have a tantrum in anticipation of separation (Wagner, 2002).

 The accepted method of treatment is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). You can get this from a Counsellor or Psychologist. It’s important that you go to someone who specifically does CBT with children. Much of my work comes from referrals by school or preschool teachers who are concerned about a particular child. There is no other proven effective treatment for anxiety than CBT. Your GP is a great place to start in your help-seeking.

 If you are looking for a great book for parents, try the reference at the end of this article by Rapee et al. The authors are Sydney-based specialists in childhood anxiety who have developed a specific program for parents who are tackling their child’s anxiety.

 And finally, don’t give up hope. In most children the anxiety of separating is a normal fear that will pass. In those children who persist, there is help available. But if your child’s anxiety is persisting, don’t put off getting help. Untreated anxiety grows – it doesn’t get better. Wait for it to pass, and it will turn into a monster – and a monster that’s hard to get rid of.

 References

Rapee, R., Spence, S.H., Cobham, V. and Wignall, A. (2000) Helping Your Anxious Child A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents New Harbinger/ Oakland CA

 

Wagner, A.P. (2002) Worried No More Help and Hope for Anxious Children Lighthouse Press/ Rochester NY