Is It Realistic?

We often bounce our way through life happily dreaming about the way things should be. We judge ourselves and others according to our own rigid set of rules about how things are meant to be. Sometimes we're not even aware of these rules we set - they're just an automatic thing about us....or so we think. These are our expectations - the boundaries around our existence. How we, or others, fit or don't fit inside this fence in our mind is met with either approval or non-approval. We judge ourselves and others and, in our own case, this forms our 'evidence' for self-pride or shame.

Then one day, we get smacked in the face with......REALITY. Reality is that thing that just hangs around trying to find a way to burst our bubble of  contentment. At some stage, those rose-coloured glasses of ours start to warp a little. Not too much at first, but it adds up until eventually they just fall off as we frantically attempt to shield ourselves from the glare. There's something about that harsh blinding light that destabilises us. For a while, we can't seem to get our bearings.


This is the result of having expectations that don't fit with what's real. As I said to a client this morning, it's like having a square wheel. Square wheels don't turn that well! To make the wheel turn we need to make it a little more rounded. Having unrealistic expectations often get us 'stuck' and we can't seem to go forward. When this happens we use a lot of energy judging and blaming ourselves or others for our predicament. The end result is lost energy and exhaustion, but no movement forward either.

So how do we make it better? Well....let me give you an example. I often get parents come to see me for help with an anxious child. In fact, I really like to see the whole family! It's so interesting to see how everyone reacts with each other, which roles everyone takes within the group, who leads and who follows. It's an essential viewpoint that helps me in Counselling this family.

One problem that I see frequently is that parents don't agree about how to 'handle' their anxious child. One parent believes that the 'soft' approach gets the most out of the child, while the other parent believes that 'getting tough' with their child is the answer. Childhood Anxiety LOVES indecision, inconsistency and disharmony. In fact, that anxiety monster thrives on negativity and conflict! The result is that it scares the poor child so much that the child is simply unable to perform many of the normal daily tasks and activities of life.

The only way for the status quo to be maintained for the anxiety monster and it's host (the afflicted child) is to manipulate others so that nothing changes. This often leads to boiling point between the parents (which is just fine with the anxiety monster anyway!) as they continue to disagree about being tough or being soft.

So...back to REALITY. For anxiety, the reality is that 'being soft' and 'getting tough' are both just as harmful as each other. The other reality is that inconsistency between carers feeds the anxiety. For the parents, their shared reality is that neither is going to move to the opposite end of the spectrum! This is where their high expectations (both are high but in different directions) get them stuck. The only solution that fits is that each parent must move closer towards each other to find a common ground. In Counselling I help both parents to articulate their individual viewpoints, then find the points at which they agree. It means that neither has to 'give up', it just means that (for the sake of their child and relationship) they need to build a shared reality. In the process, that square wheel of expectations becomes rounder and they develop a new way of working together.

At the end of a story there's always a moral. Well, the moral to this story is you don't have to 'give up' your high expectations. They just need to be smoothed a little so the wheel of life can turn. When you find yourself getting stuck, ask yourself 'What's realistic?' then find a way to work your expectations into a model that fits. No judgements - no blame - no disappointment - just REALITY.